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Showing posts sorted by relevance for query what being adopted cost me. Sort by date Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query what being adopted cost me. Sort by date Show all posts

Sunday, November 10, 2019

What adoption cost me #NAAM2019

Edie holding me in 1957
reblog from 2014

By Trace L Hentz

Someone asked me recently what had adoption cost me personally.
 

What a loaded question, I shot back in my email. I said I needed to think about it.
Obviously I didn't ask to be adopted!
 

This situation was thrust on me by a damaged 22-year-old small-town Wisconsin girl who loved Chicago night-clubs and partying too much. She didn't want me after my 28-year-old father (also a big drinker) kicked her out. He moved back to his Illinois farm-town and found a new wife. She went to an unwed mothers home in Minnesota and signed me away.
 

If my soul wanted a big test this lifetime, this was clearly the route to take. Finding out neither would ever look for me? That painful discovery cost me.
 

What kind of man would desert a woman carrying his child and who would tell a woman she cannot keep her own baby? Who made them this way?  Belief systems, religions, social workers, neighbors, parents, judges, priests? Even your own family can be so damaged, it's risky to find them. There are times now I wish I had never looked but I had to know why I was adopted. Taking risks to find out the truth cost me years.
 

Being told by my natural mother to never contact her again? That rejection cost me.
 

I made all the moves, made all the calls, did all the travel and took all the risks to find both parents. I put myself out there to join a family who didn't even know I existed or cared that I did. That hurt cost me.
The adoption trade in babies was booming in the 1950s. In my opinion my adoptive parents were not carefully screened. Despite his raging alcoholism and their marital discord after two miscarriages, Catholic social workers still qualified them to be my parents. Very young I was sexually molested by my adoptive dad. That betrayal cost me.

I had to pretend for years I was alright when really I wasn't. I tried to live up to their expectations and be the baby they lost. That impossible situation cost me.
 

My adoptive parents didn't know adopting kids won't fix a marriage and might even make it worse! I had to suppress my shock and disappointment in them for too long. It took me years to get therapy and counseling that worked.  This delay cost me.
 

My lack of trust and being able to love someone cost me a marriage.
Many years later I was shocked to learn my ancestry. My father, who had the Native blood, didn't intervene to keep me. How did that make me feel? Betrayed.
 

I had no idea what to think about being Shawnee/Cherokee since there was no one alive to reconnect me to my tribal culture. That cost me.
How can you measure cultural loss when there is no dollar amount or apology that can undo what happened? There is no way to get that back.

What did adoption cost me? Everything.
What did adoption give me? The strength to persevere.

Friday, March 21, 2025

What my adoption cost me


(posted on lost daughters blog on 2012 and on this blog in 2014) (i want to share again in 2025, edited a little)

REBLOG
By Trace Hentz (author-blogger)

Someone asked me what had adoption cost me personally. What a loaded question, I shot back in my email.  I said I needed to think about it.

Obviously, first of all, I didn't ask to be adopted!

This situation was thrust on me by a damaged 22-year-old small-town Wisconsin girl who loved Chicago-clubbing and partying too much. She didn't want me after my 28-year-old father (also a big drinker) kicked her out.  He moved back to his Illinois farm-town and found a new wife.  She went to an unwed mothers home in Minnesota and signed me away to Catholic Charities. (Both had new kids right away.) (She kept two daughters.)

If my soul wanted a big test this lifetime, this was clearly the route to take. I am not miserable knowing the truth, not at all. I am better knowing the truth.

Finding out neither parent would ever look for me? That discovery cost me.

Who would tell a woman she cannot keep her own baby? Who made them think this way? Belief systems, religions, social workers, neighbors, parents, judges, priests? 

Even your own family can be so damaged, it's risky to find them.  There were times I wished I had never looked but I had to know why I was abandoned, handed off.  Taking those risks to find out the truth cost me years but I am not sorry.

Being told by my natural mother to never contact her again?  That rejection cost me about two years and added grief since I'd have to contact her again for my fathers name. (No one told me this was somewhat common to be rejected again.)

I made all the moves, made all the calls, did all the travel and took all the risks to find both my birthparents.  I put myself out there to join a family who didn't even know I existed or cared that I did.  That cost me.  The fact is they do not understand what I went through and didn't bother to ask, this cost me and confused me.  But I do know people focus on their own pain.  No one really cared about mine.

The adoption trade in babies was booming in the 1950s.  In my opinion my adoptive parents were not carefully screened.  Despite his raging alcoholism and their marital discord after two miscarriages, Catholic social workers still qualified them to be my parents.  Very young I was sexually molested by my adoptive dad.  That betrayal cost me.

I had to pretend for years I was alright when really I wasn't.  I tried to live up to their expectations and be the baby they lost.  That impossible situation cost me.

My adoptive parents didn't know adopting kids won't fix a marriage and could even make it worse!  I had to suppress my shock and disappointment in them for too long.  It took me years to find and get therapy and counseling that worked.  This delay cost me.

My lack of trust and being able to love someone cost me a marriage.

Many years later I learn my ancestry.  My father, who had the Native blood, didn't intervene to keep me.  How did that make me feel?  Betrayed.  I had no idea what to think about being "part-Indian" since there was no one in my dad's family to reconnect me to my tribal culture.  That cost me.  (Since 2024, I found even more Indigenous ancestry with the help of my niece Tracy on my dad's side.)

How can you measure cultural loss when there is no dollar amount or apology that can undo what happened? There is no easy way to get that back. Those years are lost and cannot be returned.
 
What did adoption cost me? Everything.

What did adoption give me? Strength! And the determination to urge others to seek adoption reform and end all closed adoptions permanently.

My birthmother Helen Thrall died in 2007.  She had diabetes.  This story ran in a Florida newspaper.  I am nothing like her.  And I hate football!

Wednesday, January 10, 2024

I was taken from my home and raised as a “nice Jewish girl,” but I’m Indigenous...

 

👆Nakuset's story is in the anthology Stolen Generations (book 3). Did you read it?  It's like LITTLE BIRD but it's true. Manitoba was a huge place where First Nations children were put in catalogues and placed with non-Native families across the US and Canada and Europe.  

 

What does history tell us about adoption


By Trace Hentz (Blog Editor and adoptee) REBLOG

The Dakota expression for child, wakan injan, can be translated as “they too are sacred,” according to Glenn Drapeau, Ihanktonwan Dakota and a member of the Elk Soldier Society on the Yankton Sioux Reservation in South Dakota.

“To us, children are as pure as the holy, moving energy of the universe,” he says, “and we treat them that way.”


What does history tell us about adoption? Most telling is the timeline of adoption history: h
ttps://pages.uoregon.edu/adoption/timeline.html

Can you see the curve American Adoption took to become a profitable industry after seeing that timeline?  Do you notice how some states stepped in and made laws? Can you see the influence of the religions and their judgements of single parents? What role did poverty and racism play? Can you see how secrecy and laws protects the industry and the people who adopt?

Twenty years I've studied adoption in my own investigations and I think 20 years later... adoption is not about child care at all but has morphed into child trafficking, a response to an infertility epidemic, lawyers and judges, billions of dollars, propaganda and bad history.

Supply and demand requires: Where do you find an available baby for an infertile couple in America?

What was born of this curve in 20 years: there are camps.  The two most common camps for adoptees are "be grateful" and "the activist."

Not everyone wants to hear adoptees in any camp.  I simply cannot believe the adoption debate has gone on as long as it has.

If adoption hurts anyone, then it should be abolished. Period.


When you see how adoption was used against Native people, then it was a criminal act. (This was important to document in the five-part book series LOST CHILDREN OF THE INDIAN ADOPTION PROJECTS)

My adoptive parents were miserable people, very sick. I cannot begin to calculate the source of their behaviors but their infertility and religion resulted in my being adopted by them through Catholic Charities and then abused by both of them.

If there had been careful awareness by the adoption industry's social workers prior...maybe it would not have happened. But the social workers never returned.

Who would create a system for children that would not check on adopted children?


Child trafficking via adoption is profitable. That seems to be why it won't go away.

I'm not bitter because that was the system and how it was created. But when you see the harm, and the trauma and the lifelong issues for the child in a closed adoption, how does adoption exist in any form?

Caring for children who are true orphans, without any biological family is so rare, a community could step in and care for the orphan.  It would not require a bureaucracy to do that. The decision could be made by tribal leaders. If you are a member of a tribe, the entire tribe is your family. Kinship care always worked for children who had lost their parents.

I was not an orphan. I had two biological parents who were in their 20s.  Relatives told me later they could have and would have raised me.

But someone created a system that didn't allow that, and instead the adoption industry chose strangers to raise me.

I was born before the Indian Child Welfare Act was passed in 1978. I do not have my Original Birth Certificate.

I will never stop fighting for Native children. They deserve our protection.

Read my earlier post:
What Being Adopted Cost Me.

Toni Morrison says that “facts can exist without human intelligence, but truth cannot.”

In the new book ALMOST DEAD INDIANS, you will read history about this ethnic cleansing/paper genocide that will completely shock you.  This new book is not hard to read but hard to put down... Trace

 



 

Wednesday, February 12, 2020

What does history tell us about adoption

By Trace Hentz (Blog Editor and adoptee)

The Dakota expression for child, wakan injan, can be translated as “they too are sacred,” according to Glenn Drapeau, Ihanktonwan Dakota and a member of the Elk Soldier Society on the Yankton Sioux Reservation in South Dakota.

“To us, children are as pure as the holy, moving energy of the universe,” he says, “and we treat them that way.”

What does history tell us about adoption? Most telling is the timeline of adoption history: https://pages.uoregon.edu/adoption/timeline.html

Can you see the curve American Adoption took to become a profitable industry after seeing that timeline?  Do you notice how some states stepped in and made laws? Can you see the influence of the religions and their judgements of single parents? What role did poverty and racism play? Can you see how secrecy and laws protects the industry and the people who adopt?

Twenty years I've studied adoption in my own investigations and I think 20 years later... adoption is not about child care at all but has morphed into child trafficking, a response to an infertility epidemic, lawyers and judges, billions of dollars, propaganda and bad history.

Supply and demand requires: Where do you find an available baby for an infertile couple in America?

What was born of this curve in 20 years: there are camps. The two most common camps for adoptees are "be grateful" and "the activist."

Not everyone wants to hear adoptees in any camp. I simply cannot believe the adoption debate has gone on as long as it has.

If adoption hurts anyone, then it should be abolished. Period.

When you see how adoption was used against Native people, then it was a criminal act. (This was important to document in the four-part book series LOST CHILDREN OF THE INDIAN ADOPTION PROJECTS: see the books in the sidebar of this blog)

My adoptive parents were miserable people, very sick. I cannot begin to calculate the source of their behaviors but their infertility and religion resulted in my being adopted by them through Catholic Charities and then abused by both of them.

If there had been careful awareness by the adoption industry's social workers prior...maybe it would not have happened. But the social workers never returned.

Who would create a system for children that would not check on adopted children?

Child trafficking via adoption is profitable. That seems to be why it won't go away.

I'm not bitter because that was the system and how it was created. But when you see the harm, and the trauma and the lifelong issues for the child in a closed adoption, how does adoption exist in any form?

Caring for children who are true orphans, without any biological family is so rare, a community could step in and care for the orphan.  It would not require a bureaucracy to do that. The decision could be made by tribal leaders. If you are a member of a tribe, the entire tribe is your family. Kinship care always worked for children who had lost their parents.

I was not an orphan. I had two biological parents who were in their 20s. Relatives told me later they could have and would have raised me.

But someone created a system that didn't allow that, and instead the adoption industry chose strangers to raise me.

I was born before the Indian Child Welfare Act was passed in 1978. I do not have my Original Birth Certificate.

I will never stop fighting for Native children. They deserve our protection.

Read my earlier post: What Being Adopted Cost Me.

Toni Morrison says that “facts can exist without human intelligence, but truth cannot.”

Thursday, June 30, 2022

The Danger Ahead

That's me in the braids.

By Trace Hentz, Blog Editor

Hi everyone. Do you realize that this blog/website has been here since 2010? 

It's even hard FOR ME to remember all that I wrote and posted. 

There are hundreds of posts from/about the adoptee perspective. There were many adoptees who started writing in the 2000s, posting on blogs, some even writing books. 

It was an avalanche but who was reading? Adoptees mostly. Social Workers/Academics, definitely.

Did it work?

Our intended target was the adoption industry and all the people who planned to adopt a baby. Apparently we failed. We thought people would realize that closed adoption (by strangers) causes harm, trauma, stress, injury and lifelong mental/emotional/physical health issues.  We hoped that people would realize the word "adoption" actually means child trafficking,

We hoped that potential adoptive parents (PAPS) would reconsider adopting newborns/babies.  

We made suggestions like KINSHIP ADOPTION and LEGAL GUARDIANSHIP instead of the archaic closed adoption system.  If a child was a true orphan, with these options at least an adoptee would still have their identity intact. (Yes, there would still be trauma losing birth parents.)

There is also the HISTORY of the Indian Adoption Projects (genocide) HORROR show, as that truth leaked out -- out of that came the book series LOST CHILDREN OF THE INDIAN ADOPTION PROJECTS with Adoptee Voices and history - we had a platform to tell our story.

Here we are in 2022 - we are reentering a NEW dangerous time - some people are listening to adoptees but most are not.  (Twitter apparently replaced the blogs. #AdopteeVoices is their hashtag. #FlipTheScript was also used.)

Adoption is touted the solution since Roe v. Wade was overturned.  

Some are chanting "adopt adopt" - as if all we adoptees worked for since 2005 was ERASED - WIPED OUT!

But adoptees are not silent: we are still here like my friend Karen:

Karen's website: www.adopteereading.com

 

Can I ask you a favor? Would you please read this? I wrote about WHAT MY ADOPTION COST ME. My story is your story.

https://blog.americanindianadoptees.com/2012/01/lost-daughters-what-my-adoption-cost-me.html?spref=tw

What did being "adopted" cost you? 

I look forward to your comments.   Trace


(p.s. Thank you for being here and reading.)

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Residential School Survivors: graphic testimony (WARNING)


South Dakota Boarding School Survivors detail Sexual Abuse


The Dakota expression for child, wakan injan, can be translated as “they too are sacred,” according to Glenn Drapeau, Ihanktonwan Dakota and a member of the Elk Soldier Society on the Yankton Sioux Reservation in South Dakota.
“To us, children are as pure as the holy, moving energy of the universe,” he says, “and we treat them that way.”

When Native children arrived at Holy Rosary Mission, founded in 1888 at Pine Ridge to help in the religious conversion of the Oglala Lakota, nuns staffing the school described them as having good “morals” and giving “a tenth of the trouble white children cause,” Raymond A. Bucko wrote in Lakotas, Black Robes, and Holy Women (University of Nebraska Press, 2000). Nevertheless, corporal punishment was meted out regularly at Holy Rosary—“apparently without scruple,” according to Bucko—and a primary goal of the school was to cut the children off from their parents, their language and their culture.

Across the nation, in both the secular and church-run schools the federal government required Native children to attend from the late 1800s to the 1970s, the goal was assimilation—“kill the Indian to save the man” was their motto—seemingly at any cost. Court documents filed over the last several years in lawsuits against the boarding schools in South Dakota allege that as recently as the ’70s Native students were beaten, whipped, shaken, burned, thrown down stairs, placed in stress positions and deprived of food. Their heads were smashed against walls, and they were made to stand naked before their classmates. Untold numbers of children died over the century during which the residential schools flourished: some while en route to the institutions or at the schools themselves, and others of exposure and starvation while trying to escape, according to several sources, including the Boarding School Healing Project  [www.boardingschoolhealingproject.org/]. Native parents forced to part with their children came to understand they might never see their youngsters again, and if they did, the children had often become strangers to their own people.

As a cost-saving measure, the federal government eventually turned much of the boarding-school system over to churches, primarily the Catholic Church, which used it to help expand its empire throughout the West. Churches, abbeys, convents and monasteries were built on or near reservations, and religious orders were founded and flourished.

Recent court settlements reveal that the education the Church offered Native children featured not just brutal corporal punishment but also rampant sexual abuse. Some 400 Native ex-students in the Northwest and Alaska recently shared in a copy66-million settlement with the Jesuits’ Oregon Province for  abuse suffered at schools in that region. Canada has set aside copy.9 billion for payments to survivors of its residential schools; more than 20,000 ex-students have submitted claims.
In South Dakota, 100-some former students of the state’s half-dozen so-called Indian Missions have sued the Catholic Dioceses of Sioux Falls and Rapid City since 2003. They’ve also made claims against the religious orders that ran the mission schools and Blue Cloud Abbey, in Marvin, South Dakota, which provided priests and is the final resting place of several alleged predators. They charge that priests, brothers, nuns and lay employees at these institutions raped, sodomized and molested them, often for years. Court documents, including testimony and Church records filed during the lawsuits’ initial phases, contain accusations of bizarre, violent and humiliating sexual abuse, along with the horrific physical abuse described above.

In 2010, South Dakota legislators discussed the Church’s difficulty defending against these many suits and passed a statute—written by a Church attorney and submitted as a “constituent bill”—blocking anyone over 40 from suing an institution, such as the Catholic Church, for childhood sexual abuse, though they may still sue individual perpetrators. (The South Dakota statute of limitations for physical abuse has long expired for the former students.) Since virtually all the Native plaintiffs are over 40 and some of the alleged perpetrators are dead, many observers, including Robert Brancato, director of the South Dakota chapter of Survivors Network of Those Abused by Priests, have accused the legislature of targeting the Native cases. “The law was designed both to make things difficult for Native Americans and to help the Church,” says Brancato. In March 2011, a judge applied the statute to throw out 18 of the South Dakota boarding-school cases; the plaintiffs in those cases have filed appeals with the state’s Supreme Court.
Mary Jane, Patricia and Howard Wanna
Mary Jane, Patricia and Howard Wanna



Below, former students recall their experiences.
Howard Wanna, 60, is an enrolled member of the Sisseton Wahpeton Oyate, whose homeland straddles North and South Dakota. He has terminal lung cancer and recently celebrated what doctors tell him will be his last birthday.
Wanna and several siblings entered Tekakwitha Orphanage, in Sisseton, South Dakota, around 1956. Despite the institution’s name, there were few orphans among the approximately 150 American Indian children housed there at any one time. Some had been taken from their parents for reasons that were not fully; others, like the Wanna children, were placed there by desperately poor parents who believed the priests and nuns they revered would care for and educate their offspring.
When Wanna lived at Tekakwitha, the wooded, estate-like complex included a Southwest Mission-style church; the Papoose House, a nursery for children ranging in age from newborns to five-year-olds; dormitories for boys and girls aged 6 to early teens, with nuns and priests living upstairs; and a separate house for the priest in charge, John Pohlen.

Here is Wanna’s story:
“When I first arrived at Tekakwitha at age four or five, the nuns and priests seemed welcoming, as though they wanted me to think of the place as my home. This friendliness went on for several weeks. Then one day, Father Pohlen came to the Papoose House, where I was living, and took me by the hand. He led me to the church, where we went behind the altar to a little room that had nothing in it but a chair.
“Father Pohlen sat me down, unzipped his pants, took his penis out, and began to wipe it on my face and lips. I was terrified. I didn’t know what was happening. In later sessions, sometimes behind the altar and sometimes at his house, suddenly I’d be choking and something would be running out of my mouth. He’d also turn me around and rape me, hurting me badly as he used his hands to grip my hair, neck, or shoulders.
“He rotated among about five of us younger boys, which left me with such confused emotions. On days it wasn’t my turn, I was so grateful, yet I felt terrible that one of my little friends was suffering. I also dreaded the fact that my day was coming again soon. Worst of all, I had no one to turn to, not even God, because God’s representative on earth was the one hurting me.
“Soon a nun began to abuse me as well, placing me under her gown and rubbing my little hands between her legs. This was something the nuns did to other children there, too. It was horrifying, not just because of what she was doing but because it was dark and I couldn’t breathe. Other abuse included beating us with sticks, hoses, and even a metal shovel.
“The cruelty was strangely inventive. At bath time, we’d line up, a line of naked girls and a line of naked boys, which was embarrassing to begin with. We’d take turns jumping into a laundry tub and being scrubbed—scratch, scratch, scratch—with a stiff brush you’d use for floors. We’d then hop out of the tub with scrapes all over our bodies.
“Once, after I tried to run away, I had to wear a dress for a while, and when we went outdoors I was tied to a tree.
“Tekakwitha was a very quiet place. You’d think with all those children, there’d be noise and laughing. But so many of us were being abused and simply didn’t talk. We were too frightened. It was like a horror movie in which people walk by each other but can’t communicate.
“As the years went by, my abuse lessened, probably because I wasn’t a cute little toy anymore, but also because I became more outspoken. I remember being told I was a smart-ass. When I was 8 or 9—we had no sense of time, because at Tekakwitha there were no markers, like birthday celebrations—my mother got wind of what was going on and came and ranted and raged. I heard they told her something like, ‘Take the little bastards,’ and we left.
“My adulthood was one hell of a struggle. But I fought through my failures and obstacles, went to college, and owned a restaurant and a construction company.
“[I believe] the Church caused the drinking and other problems former students experience. As a result, the tribe must sponsor chemical-dependency, suicide-prevention, anger-management, and many other programs, which is an enormous economic burden. At Sisseton Wahpeton, we just had three suicides, all youngsters in their 20s, and this happens frequently. Why? It’s the result of how we elders were treated as children—an effect that continues through the generations.
“I often wonder how so many pedophiles ended up at Native American schools. Father Pohlen was not only a pervert; he also hired the worst of the worst, which meant none of the Tekakwitha staff would protect us from the others. How did he find them? Is there someone in the Church you can call to request problem priests and nuns? Was there a dual plan to hurt Native Americans while taking care of the pedophiles? Was this genocide? It’s so confusing, but it’s also just plain evil.
“When the orphanage was demolished in 2010 [because of Environmental Protection Act issues], my relatives and I went to watch. Suddenly, during the demolition, we saw three eagles circling overhead, rising up and flying down low repeatedly for about 45 minutes. They had come to take home the spirits of the children. It was so awesome.
“I have sued the Church over my abuse, but because of my cancer I’m going to die with this on my mind, well before any chance of receiving justice. The people we looked up to most as children failed us. God’s servants blocked our power and took away our spirits. But we’ll get ’em back. By telling our stories, we’re opening a door, and we’re not going to let it shut until we’re done with them. No amount of compensation can cure us or absolve them, but we want our day in court. We want the public to hear what was happening to many Native American children in this country while non-Native people lived peacefully in their cities and towns and on their farms. Millions don’t know what we went through, and they need a quick history lesson. It’ll be a hard one, but it’s a fact.”
Mary Jane Wanna Grotto
Mary Jane Wanna Grotto


In 1946, when she was just three months old, Mary-Catherine Renville, 65, of the Sisseton Wahpeton Oyate, was taken from her mother for reasons that remain unclear and placed in Tekakwitha Orphanage. After Tekakwitha, which went through junior high, she was sent to a boarding school in Nebraska.
Here is Renville’s story:
“All I remember of my earliest years at Tekakwitha was being hungry and a punishment that consisted of being placed in a dark crawl space. When I was 6, they moved me from the Papoose House for babies to the main building so I could start school. The nuns there would take us to their private quarters and do things to our bodies that even at that young age I knew were not right.
“The next year, a teenaged boy raped me. He said if I told, he’d bring other boys, and they’d all rape me. I was so frightened that I never did say anything.
“When I was 8 or 9, Father Pohlen placed me with a Michigan family. I understood it was a tryout for being adopted by them. I have a memory of being told to go get Vaseline, then returning to the room to find the boys and men in the family waiting for me. This lasted for a summer.
“I didn’t know where to turn or who to tell. Father Pohlen had placed me with the family, so I couldn’t confide in him, and the nuns were so cold—they didn’t care about our feelings and showed us no affection. They wanted our souls and to teach us to fear God. Sometimes they’d whip us, holding us with the left hand while using the right to beat us with a rubber hose. None of the adults in my life ever noticed anything about me: whether I’d sustained injuries because of the rapes or mistreatment or if I was afraid.
“When I was about 10, Father Pohlen placed me with a Spanish-speaking dentist, who wanted to teach me his language so I could speak it once he and his wife adopted me and took me to their country. Instead, he raped me and said he wanted to continue his ‘affair’ with me, though I mustn’t tell his wife. After several weeks, I was returned to the orphanage. Again, I never said anything to Father Pohlen or the nuns, other than that I didn’t want to learn Spanish or live with that man. I’d learned that to protect myself I shouldn’t say much.
“We did have good times. At Christmas, we each received a shoebox full of nuts and candy and oranges and another box with trinkets and a doll. Most of us girls traded the dolls for food. We did that because the Mother Superior used to force us to simulate sex with a large doll before abusing us, so we were scared of dolls. Can you imagine putting the fear of dolls into a child’s mind?
“The Nebraska boarding school where I went to high school subjected us to similar physical violence, though no sexual abuse. We all continually tried to escape. We weren’t trying to get home, because we didn’t know where that was. We were completely disoriented. We just took off and took our chances in the world, hitchhiking down the road. Then they’d find us and bring us back.
“As an adult, I’ve been a traveler. I’ve lived in 14 states, mostly waitressing, because it’s a job you can get quickly. I’d always move on, though. I think I was searching for family. I eventually had three children, who were taken from me or I gave up. I don’t know where my boys are, though I keep in touch with my girl. Now, I’m back living on my reservation, which sometimes feels like a foreign country, though I’m related to half the people here.
“What I want to do is talk about Tekakwitha. They took away our sense of belonging to anyone, our opportunities to develop relationships. They kept us off-balance by sending us here and there without warning. But they could never take away the truth: that what they were doing was wrong. I want everyone to know what happened to us there.”
St. Pauls Building, Marty, South Dakota
St. Pauls Building, Marty, South Dakota


As Sherwyn Zephier, 54, drives to his job at Ihanktonwan Community College, in Marty, South Dakota, where he is the adult education director and teaches math, science, English, art history, and other subjects, he passes the derelict buildings of what was St. Paul’s Indian Mission. During the 1960s and 1970s, he was a student at the Catholic-run school, where children were required to board during the nine-month school year, even though many, like Zephier, were from the surrounding community, the Yankton Sioux Tribe.

Here is Zephier’s story:
“The priests’ and nuns’ keys jangled as they walked, so we knew when they were coming. Everyone in the dorm would quiet down, because you never knew what they’d do. Sometimes they’d bring high school students or more priests and brothers to hold our arms and press our bodies against a metal pole in the center of the room. Then they’d beat us with straps and a two-by-four with handles, which they called the ‘board of education.’
“There were also regular whippings at noon. One day, my older brother, Loren, created a commotion at midday so just that once we little ones escaped the whipping. Because we showered together in one large room, we could always see that many of us were bruised black, blue and purple. The beatings were so frequent, we adapted to the pain and got used to living that way.
“The nuns were as vicious as the priests—real brutes. I remember getting caught in the barbed wire around the top of the little boy’s playground. I’d seen Loren go by and had tried to go over the fence to get to him. Once the nuns got me untangled, I got quite a beating. At night, they’d pretend they’d left us, then stand in the dark corners of the dorm room, eerie in their hooded robes.
“The school was essentially a prison, with every door locked and total control of the children. We went in supervised groups from one secured place to another: to lunch, play, church, the dorm, and so on. Even if you managed to get out of a dorm room or classroom, you couldn’t run far, because at the end of each corridor was a locked floor-to-ceiling gate. The windows were covered with bars or chain-link grates, and the campus had barbed wire everywhere—along sidewalks and even around the church itself.
“As children, we didn’t know their policy was to de-Indianize us. We only knew we enjoyed one another’s company and would play games, such as ‘migs,’ or marbles, that involved phrases in our language. Another student would inevitably run and ‘tell Sister,’ and I would get a beating. At the time, they never explained my infraction. Just recently, the reality hit me hard: it was because I had so frequently spoken my language with my playmates. I suddenly understood why those snitches, often from more assimilated families, ‘told’ and why I was punished so often.
“Another aspect of assimilation was taking away ribbon shirts and other culturally related clothes. Every year, I looked forward to wearing clothing my mother spent most of the summer sewing to make me look proud and colorful for school. But once I got there, those items were removed, and instead I wore clothes that were drab and not even mine.
“The child-molesters would come and go, as the Church rotated them among the Indian missions. We children stood by each other as best we could, but for a child, it was a disturbing, sickening place to be. I have often wondered, where did the nuns and priests learn those things?
“My class, 1975, was the last to graduate from St. Paul’s Indian Mission, which then passed to tribal control and became Marty Indian School. At our commencement, a medicine man, Pete Catches, was allowed for the first time to fill his sacred pipe on the altar and pray with us.
“There’s beauty in our traditional ways. There’s honor, honesty—no lies, no judgment, no exaggeration. It’s the true experience of life. There’s no interpreting of someone else’s words, and no one else interpreting your experience. No one can tell you what is good or bad. That’s where the Church confused a lot of our people, conditioning them to think the traditional way of prayer was evil, the devil’s way. And if you didn’t believe them, they’d beat you.
“After I filed my lawsuit against the Church—with the blessings of my most revered supporter and hero, my father—I started talking about my experience to sisters, brothers and cousins who had also attended St. Paul’s. It was a relief to sit with them—to share and to cry. We knew what we experienced was unfathomable to others.”
Funding for this story was provided by the George Polk Program for Investigative Reporting.

Read more at http://indiancountrytodaymedianetwork.com/2011/07/28/south-dakota-boarding-school-survivors-detail-sexual-abuse-42420

Monday, December 5, 2011

Dark Side of Adoption: 'Steve Jobs' and 'Blue Nights' #adoption

'Steve Jobs' and 'Blue Nights' Reveal Dark Side of Adoption


By SUSAN DONALDSON JAMES
ABC News – Wed, Nov 23, 201
(ABC News) http://news.yahoo.com/steve-jobs-blue-nights-reveal-dark-side-adoption-125404247.html

Quintana Roo Dunne, the adopted daughter of writer Joan Didion, had frequent nightmares about "The Broken Man" -- an evil repair man in a blue shirt with a L.A. Dodgers cap and "really shiny shoes" who told her in a deep voice, "I'm going to lock you here in the garage."

"She described so often and with such troubling specificity that I was frequently moved to check for him on the terrace outside her second-floor windows," wrote Didion, 76, mourning the death of her daughter in the memoir "Blue Nights."


Quintana died of acute pancreatitis in 2005 at the age of 39, only two years after the death of her adoptive father, writer John Gregory Dunne, who was the subject of "A Year of Magical Thinking."

Didion agonizes about her parenting and Quintana's recurrent fear of abandonment and a failed reunion with her biological family. "Adoption," Didion writes. "I was to learn, though not immediately, is hard to get right."

Such fear also haunted Apple founder Steve Jobs, who died last month at the age of 56. In numerous interviews with family, friends and lovers, biographer Walter Isaacson unveiled the dark side of adoption in his life.

Jobs ultimately formed strong bonds with his sister, author Mona Simpson, but he refused to meet his biological father, despite the lifelong sense of loss.

More than 1.5 million Americans are adopted, about 2 percent of all children, according to the New York City-based Evan B. Donaldson Institute for Adoption.

Both bestsellers, "Blue Nights" and "Steve Jobs," expose an unspoken truth in the adoption world: Fear of abandonment is universal.

"Attachment and abandonment issues are part of every adoption. It's just a matter of how much," said Marlou Russell, a Santa Monica, Calif., psychologist who works with adoptive families. She, too, was adopted.

"In the best-case scenario, everyone is on board," she said of adoption. "But you cannot separate a child from its mother without an impact. There is always an impact."

Parents of an earlier generation told their children, "You're adopted and you were chosen and very special," said Russell, who is author of the 2002 book, "Adoption Wisdom."

"The problem with that," she said, "is that, "If my adopted parents chose me that means there was someone else who didn't choose me.'"

Such was the thinking of young Quintana Roo Dunne, according to her mother's account in "Blue Nights."

When her beautiful little girl was born at St. John's Hospital in Santa Monica in 1966, friends told Didion, "You couldn't possibly tell her."

Many viewed adoption as "obscurely shameful, a secret to be kept at all cost," according to the author.

But Didion said they never thought to do otherwise. "What were the alternatives?" she writes. "Lie to her? Leave it to her agent to take her to lunch at the Beverly Hills Hotel?"

Quintana was baffled by their explanation that she was "chosen," according to her mother: "What if you hadn't answered the phone when Dr. Watson called?" or "What if you hadn't been home, what if you couldn't meet him at the hospital, what if there'd been an accident on the freeway, what would happen to me then?"


Psychologist Russell said she advises adoptive parents to say, "Your birth parents were unable to take care of you at that time and that covers every situation, even if they go on to parent other children."

"When you get the story line that you were adopted because you were very loved, that sets up love to mean leaving, and you might leave them, too," she said. "I tell parents not to use love and money or poverty. ... If you are in Toys R Us and say you can't buy something because you can't afford it today, they might think you can pack your bags and go."

Quintana had a fascination with meeting her "other mother." She wondered what she looked like and when her father asked what she would do if she met her birth mother, the girl replied, "I'd put one arm around Mom and one arm around my other mommy and I'd say, 'Hello Mommies.'"

In 1988, a letter arrived from Quintana's full sister, who was one of two siblings born after their mother and father married. "They were "strangers," according to Didion, who "welcomed her as their long lost child."

A reunion was arranged, but it was a weekend of "willed excitement, determined camaraderie and resolute discovery," Didion writes. Soon, Quintana seemed distraught and "on the edge of tears" when her birth mother wanted to explain why she gave her baby up and kept calling.

Eventually, Quintana backed off from her newfound relatives, telling them it was "too much to handle" and "too much too soon" and she needed to "step back."

Her birth mother disconnected her phone and cut ties, Didion says. "She didn't want to be a burden."

The two sisters sent flowers when Quintana died.

Steve Jobs knew from a young age that he had been adopted and had a similarly conflicted relationship with his biological family.

When he was 31, his adoptive mother was dying of lung cancer and he peppered her with questions about his past. "When you and Dad got married, were you a virgin?" he reportedly asked her, according to his biography.

"It was hard for her to talk, but she forced a smile," Isaacson writes. "That's when she told him she had been married before to a man who never made it back from the war. She also filled in some of the details on how she and Paul Jobs came to adopt him."

In the early 1980s, Jobs had hired a detective to look for his birth mother, but found nothing. Until then, he had been hesitant to tell his parents about the search, afraid he would hurt their feelings. But when Clara Jobs died in 1986, he told his adoptive father, Paul Jobs, and began a search in earnest.

Jobs learned the name of his mother -- University of Wisconsin graduate student Joanne Schieble -- and through her the name of his sister. Mona Simpson was a full biological sibling, born after his mother married his biological father, Syrian academic Abdulfattah "John" Jandali.

Jandali left Jobs' biological mother and daughter when Simpson was 5 and she went on to remarry and divorce.

Jobs eventually arranged a reunion, hoping to tell his mother she had "done the right thing."

"I wanted to meet [her] mostly to see if she was OK and to thank her, because I'm glad I didn't end up as an abortion," he told Isaacson. "She was 23 and she went through a lot to have me."

Both mother and sister spent Christmases at Jobs' house, but his birth mother often burst into tears, telling him how much she loved him and apologizing for giving him up. "Don't worry," Jobs told her, according to his biographer. "I had a great childhood. I turned out OK."

Jobs said he was surprised at how much he and Simpson were alike. "As we got to know each other, we became really good friends and she was my family," he said. "I don't know what I'd do without her."

Still, he never took an interest in meeting Jandali. Jobs, then a wealthy man, worried about being blackmailed, but he also was angry that his father had left his family.

"He didn't treat me well," Jobs said. "I don't hold anything against him -- I'm, happy to be alive. But what bothered me most was that he didn't treat Mona well. He abandoned her."

Steve Jobs' decision to ignore his father's overtures was likely rooted in issues of control, according to psychologist Russell.

Even for a man as in control and successful as Jobs, adoption inevitably evokes "a lot of pain and heartbreak," she said.

"When adoption occurs, everyone is out of control," Russell said. "It's a crisis. Adoption doesn't happen when things are going well. Sometimes adoptees do not want to meet their birth parents and the bottom line for that is to be in control, not to meet someone who wants to meet you. The last bastion of power is to say, 'no.'"

But Jean Strauss, a Washington state filmmaker who for 30 years has chronicled the lives of adult adoptees in books and documentaries, argues the "secrets inherent in adoption are diminishing and disempowering."

Fostering open adoptions and allowing adoptees to freely learn about their identities is critical for psychological well-being. Strauss, herself, reconnected with her birth mother and an entire biological family when she was 35.

"Steve Jobs and Quintana Roo did have different experiences and choices regarding their birth parents," Strauss said, "but as the writer Betty Jean Lifton once said, 'It isn't what you find, but that you find it.'"

[Unless a psychologist is an adoptee, they can never truly know or understand what we go thru as adoptees... I wrote my memoir to help them "get" us...Trace]

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Monique Vondall-Rieke on #ICWA #Goldwater

COMMENTS ON THE GOLDWATER INSTITUTE CHALLENGE TO ICWA
(or “More one-sided arguments that we get used to in Indian Country”)
 
By Monique Vondall-Rieke, J.D.,
Director, Association of Village Council Presidents Tribal Justice Center
 
BETHEL, AK – The announcement of A.D., et al. v. Washburn by the conservative group known as the Goldwater Institute comes with a bitter deja vu of “haven’t we heard this before?”  I’ve got a few things that I can say are wrong with the pleadings filed by Goldwater on behalf of minor American Indian children, “next friend,” and potential adoptive parents. Mostly, however, I’ve got even more to say on the one-sided EPIC report they have produced to coincide with their summation that ICWA should be declared unconstitutional.
First of all, the report does its purpose for Goldwater regardless of the medical and psychological research that exists and documents the loss of cultural identity and historical trauma that American Indian children have been victims of for centuries. The report also fails to point any blame at even the beginnings of Indian to federal government (i.e. “founding fathers”) relationships and what they are based upon. The truth of the harms of the Doctrine of Discovery is avoided again and the convoluted desire to have an American Indian child at the center of arguments of white conservatives is the Hail Mary of what Justice Scalia coined as “jiggery-pokery” in the recent SCOTUS decision on same-sex marriage. (Not that I would support his use of the term or dissenting opinion, of course.) It just doesn’t surprise me that the Goldwater Institute has invested time and money into a campaign to smear a federal law that undoes what historical trauma to American Indians has done for centuries in one fell swoop of a few isolated wins against ICWA.
The report begins with unmistakably sad stories of failures within American Indian communities across America where ICWA, they allege, did not protect the child. What Goldwater Institute fails to do, however, is focus on why some children are not connected to their tribal affiliation more than when they reach an ICWA stage. What they fail to point out is the overwhelming questions like: what were the incidences that led to those people being isolated from their cultural communities? The answer in most cases is because, somewhere in their lineage, someone was removed from their cultural communities and placed either in a non-Indian home, or in a boarding school. Both situations are damaging for a number of historically traumatic reasons told in stories over and over by our ancestors.

There are two reasons I support ICWA: my oldest son and my youngest son. First, my oldest son was born at a time in my life when I was a precarious young woman who was unsettled and seeking self-identity. I went from being a Catholic to a bible-banging Christian to a Buddhist and it was not until 1999, twelve years after my oldest son was born and adopted by his biological grandparents that I was able to find my spirituality and return to a circle that had been broken by cycles of Catholic influence of my ancestors. My son was nearly adopted by a white family but, thanks to ICWA, the adoption met the family exception and he was adopted by his father’s grandparents, who agreed to keep the adoption open and allowed me to see him. Today, we have a wonderful relationship and he and his beautiful girlfriend are about to give me my third grandson. As an adult, my son sought out his American Indian heritage and came to live with me, my other two children and my husband. I thank ICWA to this day for allowing me to open my eyes to allowing his grandparents to adopt him because they raised him to be a respectful young man.

The second reason I support ICWA is because my youngest son was adopted by my husband and I in 2005. He came to us through an ICWA relative placement and is the light of our life daily. My husband is a kind, caring, loving father and I would have never been able to see that side of him without ICWA giving us the gift of my son through the relative placement requirements of ICWA. In fact, his brother and sister were adopted by my sister, so ICWA has touched many of my family’s lives and has allowed these three children to be raised in our cultural family nucleus. If it were not for ICWA, the relative would not have approached us for early placement of the children, and, without going into detail, my young son could possibly not even be alive today. So, I defend ICWA against its attack and always will. My husband, in fact, wrote a song in gratitude of ICWA. He is a non-Indian (Hungarian) and our son knows his heritage. He knows he is American Indian and can be Hungarian when he wants to be, or Irish, or French, but most of all, he knows that he is safe and loved in his home by his mother and father.

Incidentally, the report by the Goldwater Institute fails to mention that keeping American Indian children in foster care is a multi-billion dollar business for state human service agencies. The Children’s Bureau, U.S. Department of Health & Human Services, AFCARS Report of 2013 reveals that American Indian children make up .9% of the population of U.S. children but represent 2% of the population of children in foster care in the U.S. Some states with high numbers of American Indian populations, like South Dakota, statistics reveal that up to 50% of the children in foster care placement in that state are American Indian.

The Association of Village Council Presidents in Alaska represents 56 tribes and villages in the Yukon-Kuskokwim Delta Region (“Y-K Delta”). The newly-developed South West Region of Alaska shows, in the University of Alaska Anchorage Institute of Social and Economic Research’s report titled “Trends in Age, Gender, and Ethnicity Among Children in Foster Care in Alaska,” that for every 1000 of children in general population, 20 Alaska Native children will end up in foster care, which is more than double the rate of any other region in Alaska. The Y-K Delta has several remote villages and the Office of Children Services for Alaska is deeply involved in the placement of children out of their communities due to the lack of (1) American Indian foster homes in the region and (2) lack of kinship foster care funding for family placements, unlike other states. Although other reasons exist, the quick judgment of removal of a child takes place far more often than in other areas of the United States versus the cost of making a “good faith effort” to place the child in an American Indian home as required by ICWA. These statistics and the removal from communities only exacerbate the loss of cultural identity and increase the stigma of historical trauma on the children.

These are the reasons that ICWA is so important to American Indian children. There are some sad casualties, but in any foster care system, whether the children are American Indian or not, there are casualties and all agencies need to strive for a no-casualty goal to preserve the health and welfare of children, regardless of race or ethnicity, or, yes, even political status. The fix to those problems, however, is not to abolish the Indian Child Welfare Act and not to exploit the misfortunes of failed systems and failure stories. These facts and statistics, Goldwater Institute, is not “pure applesauce.”
Here are the lyrics to the song written by my husband, Stuart Rieke:

 

Listen to Native Peoples First

Call this a protest or a culture song
There’s no changing the laws of diversity
Jesus himself battled the Romans who were wrong
Cause Rome wanted only one set of eyes to see.
Children interpret their daydreams
Through a culture they inherit.
Do you want them to be held away?
Or do you hope they share it?
You want to help write their songs?
But first understand, first sing along.
We gotta learn to listen to Native Peoples first
Before we all try to fix this broken Universe.
Call this a plea to reason
Or a personal narrative.
My son sees the seasons
Through eyes of the cultures where he lives.
Every generation is like a wave
You’ve got to give them room to feel the shore
How can you think they’re yours to save?
They need their own center, their cultural core!
You want to help write their songs?
But first understand, first sing along.
We gotta learn to listen to Native Peoples first
Before we all try to fix this broken Universe

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To Veronica Brown

Veronica, we adult adoptees are thinking of you today and every day. We will be here when you need us. Your journey in the adopted life has begun, nothing can revoke that now, the damage cannot be undone. Be courageous, you have what no adoptee before you has had; a strong group of adult adoptees who know your story, who are behind you and will always be so.

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ADOPTION TRUTH

As the single largest unregulated industry in the United States, adoption is viewed as a benevolent action that results in the formation of “forever families.”
The truth is that it is a very lucrative business with a known sales pitch. With profits last estimated at over $1.44 billion dollars a year, mothers who consider adoption for their babies need to be very aware that all of this promotion clouds the facts and only though independent research can they get an accurate account of what life might be like for both them and their child after signing the adoption paperwork.

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