excerpt:
Has being adopted impacted your romantic relationships and
friendships? My fear of abandonment often propels me to test the
devotion of romantic partners. In friendships, I'm cagey. (I know
everything about them; they know very little about me.)
Yes,
most definitely! It took me until I was 43 years old to come to a better
understanding of why I continued to make the same cycle of choices.
Three years ago, I took part in a ten-week program with a counselor
about attachment and bonding. My eyes were quickly opened to understand
how a broken mother/child bond can affect the way adoptees relate with
people and the way we react to circumstances that present themselves on a
daily basis. Prior to counseling, I was always adamant that adoption
had no effect on my life because I had a loving upbringing. Certainly,
the fact that I was raised in a nurturing family went a long way in
helping me form bonds and provide stability. However, I learned that a
child's sense of loss and fear of abandonment remains with them
(consciously and subconsciously) throughout their life. It can permeate
their interactions and relationships well into their adult life.
In
my friendships, I have a strong tendency to keep discussions on a
surface level. I rarely ask personal questions or challenge beliefs for
fear that I might be rejected or hurt their feelings. Surface is easy,
stable, and safe. Safety and stability are key for me, which is why my
past choices in life have often followed a more conservative path.
KEEP READING
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- How to Open Closed Adoption Records for Native American Children (updated 2021)
- LOST CHILDREN BOOK SERIES
- Split Feathers Study
- The reunification of First Nations adoptees (2016)
- You're Breaking Up: Adoptive Couple v. Baby Girl #ICWA
- Indian Child Welfare Act organizations
- About the Indian Adoption Projects
- THE PLACEMENT OF AMERICAN INDIAN CHILDREN - THE NEED FOR CHANGE (1974)
- NEW: Study by Jeannine Carriere (First Nations) (2007)
- NEW STUDY: Post Adoption (Australia)
- Dr. Raven Sinclair
- Laura Briggs: Feminists and the Baby Veronica Case...
- Bibliography (updated)
- Adopt an Elder: Ellowyn Locke (Oglala Lakota)
- TWO NATIONS: Navajo (Boarding School)
- GOLDWATER
- Survivor Not Victim (my interview with Von)
- GS Search Angel Site 2024
- OBC ACCESS 2023
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Showing posts with label Reactive Attachment Disorder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Reactive Attachment Disorder. Show all posts
Monday, November 14, 2016
Friday, November 13, 2015
GUEST POST: Reactive Attachment Disorder by Levi EagleFeather
CLICK: AMERICAN INDIAN ADOPTEES: GUEST POST: Reactive Attachment Disorder by Levi E...: Levi EagleFeather (Lakota)
This is one of the most read posts on this blog, please click to read... We thank you... Trace...
This is one of the most read posts on this blog, please click to read... We thank you... Trace...
"...We're
the evidence of
the crime. They can't deal with the reality of who we are because then
they
have to deal with the reality of what they have done. If they deal with
the
reality of who we are, they have to deal with the reality of who they
aren't."
- John Trudell - See more at:
http://splitfeathers.blogspot.com/2014/08/guest-post-reactive-attachment-disorder.html#sthash.EgghdVUJ.dpuf
Friday, February 27, 2015
RAD: Guest Post: Levi Eagle Feather Sr. (Part 3)
Part Three: RAD
By Levy Eagle Feather Sr.
The twentieth century has produced a world of conflicting visions, intense emotions, and unpredictable events, and the opportunities for grasping the substance of life have faded as the pace of activity has increased. Electronic media shuffle us through a myriad of experiences which would have baffled earlier generations and seem to produce in us a strange isolation from the reality of human history. Our heroes fade into mere personality, are consumed and forgotten, and we avidly seek more venues to express our humanity. Reflection is the most difficult of all our activities because we are no longer able to establish relative priorities from the multitude of sensations that engulf us. Times such as these seem to illuminate the classic expressions of eternal truths and great wisdom seems to stand out in the crowd of ordinary maxims... -Vine Deloria Jr. (preface to John Neihardts book "Black Elk Speaks")
Reality can be such a
bastard sometimes! Just when you think you got it nailed, something happens and
it all slips away. Good fortune, its second cousin, seems to operate along these
same lines! You work hard, you’re ready, waiting, arms wide open and
everything, then something happens blowing it all away. Does this sound
familiar? Some people would say a person who thinks this way is just, “waiting
for the axe to fall”. And if you think this way, too much of the time, it
becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
In
medical terms, they say someone who thinks like this or sees life in this way
is showing signs of paranoia. Meaning that someone is showing “a tendency…..
toward excessive or irrational suspiciousness and distrustfulness of others.”1 In some situations,
this kind of thinking can develop into a more serious condition known as schizophrenia.
Noah Webster says schizophrenia is “a psychotic disorder
characterized by loss of contact with the environment, by noticeable
deterioration in the level of functioning in everyday life, and by
disintegration of personality expressed as disorder of feeling, thought (as
delusions), perception (as hallucinations), and behavior —called also dementia
praecox — compare paranoid
schizophrenia”2
In the two previous
installments on RAD. I said my piece about certain spiritually abusive things
that have happened to us American Indian people since western society brought
its socially dysfunctional ways to our land. All of these happenings have been
inducing an isolating oriented trauma on our people for several generations now.
These things in particular, were the wars, reservations, boarding schools,
relocation programs and adoption. Things which have worked in harmony, one
after the other or simultaneously together, pretty much shattering and
destroying the ways in which the beauty and magnificence of who we are as human
beings can be fully realized, understood and enjoyed. I would say at this point
RAD was intentioned and paranoid and schizophrenic type thinking and behavior
are to be expected.
The people who
started these practices against us, in the past and continue to practice them
today, have gotten away with it and continue making money off of doing it. Maybe
not directly anymore, but indirectly still and that’s as simple and as good for
them, as it can get! It indicates success, at least to them, of their westernized
way of doing things.
By agitating and
manipulating the destruction of others, confiscation of birthrights and through
carefully and systemically applied abuses. These people have been capable, down
through history of drastically changing tribal realities. Changing realities
from systems which were built on self-reliance and were constructed for
self-perpetuation to a single system which is built and designed solely for
controlling and perpetuating the continued self-destruction of tribalism for
profit. In short using you, your relatives and your friends to educate and
labor towards your own self-destruction.
If you think I'm
wrong or misguided in my way of thinking. Look and see who has all the land,
all the say and continues smiling all the way to the bank. We’ll call this
group the top layer of western society. It is a top down system and we’ll call
this layer the instigators or the 1% er’s of western society. The shot callers
so to speak. There are other layers to this society. Here in America we know
them as the middle, the lower, and the indigent classes. But for now I want to
draw your attention to something else.
A simple fact! Obscured
quite possibly by our own cultural amnesia of our individual ancestral roots is
the fact we knew this was coming. A little less than 150 years ago my people, the Lakota, still understood our
purpose. We knew and understood what sacrificing of ourselves was about. Of
course, we still lived in Tipi’s on the wide open prairie and still hunted
buffalo and much more. But we also lived in a civilized manner as civilized
human beings then too. We knew and understood how fragile yet necessary keeping
good relationships were to our health and wellbeing. We also knew and
understood the threat and danger western thought and living posed to our health
and well-being. The inevitability of this threat coming to fruition came
through in dreams and visions of some of our great leaders of that time. Black
Elk, a healer, was one of those leaders.
Black Elk was born in 1863 and lived until 1950. He was born well before
the time of either the Sioux or the American Indian. He was born and lived as a
Lakota. He thought, reasoned and behaved according to the Lakota way of being.
He lived his life, perceiving reality understanding it and speaking of it in
the language from within the worldview of his time. The Lakota worldview.
In the summer of 1872 at the age of nine Black Elk experienced a vision. In
1930, through a translator, Black Elk related his experience to John Neihardt,
who in turn wrote about it as, “The Great Vision" in his book 'Black Elk
Speaks". Whether this vision came to him through intuition, spiritual
insight, or from hearing reports of what was befalling our Dakota relatives to
the east, Black Elk's vision was spot on. Experienced well before the
reservation, boarding school, relocation, and adoption eras of our people it
was a foretelling. A vision foretelling the, as yet, unforeseen problems of
becoming westernized. Something that we now experience on the regular, day in
and day out.
The following is an excerpt from this "The Great Vision:"
And as we went the voice behind me said: "Behold a good nation walking
in a sacred manner in a good land!"
Then I looked up and saw that there were four ascents ahead, and these were
generations I should know. Now we were on the first ascent and all the land was
green. And as the long line climbed, all the old men and women raised their
hands, palms forward, to the far sky yonder and began to croon a song together,
and the sky ahead was filled with clouds of baby faces.
When we came to the end of the first ascent we camped in the sacred circle
as before, and in the center stood the holy tree, and still about us was all
green.
Then we started on the second ascent, marching as before, and still the
land was green, but it was getting steeper. And as I looked ahead, the people
changed into elks and bison and all four footed beings and even into fowls, all
walking in a sacred manner on the good red road together. And I myself was a
spotted eagle soaring over them. But just before we stopped to camp at the end
of that ascent, all the marching animals grew restless and afraid that they
were not what they had been, and began sending forth voices of trouble, calling
to their chiefs. And when they camped at the end of that ascent, I looked down
and saw that leaves were falling from the holy tree.
And the Voice said: "Behold your nation, and remember what your Six
Grandfathers gave you, for thenceforth your people walk in difficulties."
Then the people broke camp again, and saw the black road before them
towards where the sun goes down, and black clouds coming yonder; and they did
not want to go but could not stay. And as they walked the third ascent, all the
animals and fowls that were the people ran here and there, for each one seemed
to have his own little vision that he followed and his own rules; and all over
the universe I could hear the winds at war like wild beasts fighting.6
And when we reached the summit of the third ascent and camped, the nation's
hoop was broken like a ring of smoke that spreads and scatters and the holy
tree seemed dying and all its birds were gone. And when I looked ahead I saw
that the fourth ascent would be terrible.
Then when the people were getting ready to begin the fourth ascent, the
Voice spoke like someone weeping, and it said: "Look there upon your nation."
And when I looked down, the people were all changed back to human, and they
were thin, their faces sharp, for they were starving. Their ponies were only
hide and bones and the holy tree was gone.
6 At this point Black Elk remarked: "I think we are
near that place now, and I am afraid something very bad is going to happen all
over the world." He cannot read and knows nothing of world affairs.
Adoption causes RAD and
RAD is a more normal reaction to adoption than not. Adoption in western
society, especially the transracial adoption of American Indian children was
and is an unnecessary and unnatural situation. Historically, the process of taking
American Indian children away from families who birth them, love them, view
them and understood them as their future causes immense suffering and loss that
reverberates and is felt throughout each one of our nations. It broke our
sacred hoop keeping the beauty of life just out of arms reach or so it seems.
The destruction
didn’t happen overnight of course. Each and every one of these abuses aimed at
destroying us was applied incrementally, generation after generation. Each and
every one of them has done a pretty good job at what it was intended, and it
isn’t over yet. It happened, some of it is still happening, and there isn't a
whole lot we can do to stop it at this point. At least, I don't know of
anything I can do that will.
This is not the
reason I started writing this article, however. To talk endlessly about the
things I cannot do or cannot change. The past is the past and there isn’t much
we can do about that. Blaming won’t help, blaming ourselves and each other definitely
won’t, but by being responsible and holding ourselves and each other
accountable for recourse and recovery can.
As depressing as
these three articles have all sounded, it was! I now prefer to spend the
majority of my time working against the effects it has had on the hearts and
minds of our people. So this will be the last I will have to say about all of
that.
I’ve been working
against the negative effects our past has had on us for the past 35
years or so. Both personally in my own life and the lives of my family members.
As well as, professionally and as a volunteer within the American Indian
community. Whenever the opportunity arose wherever it was I might have happened
to be living at the time. Most recently I was able to offer my programming
abroad, as a side job, amongst the folk in Germany, whenever the opportunity
would arise.
I started out slowly
of course way back then with baby steps. Thirty-five years have gone by and I
seem to be walking much better now. On good days I think I might even be able
to walk and chew gum. We shall see.
In the next series of
blog articles I will be breaking away from the past.
This series I’ll call
Recourse and Repatriation, I will touch a little more on Black Elk’s vision and
segue into a more personal accounting of my own experience of recourse and recovery
from RAD. As well as offer my personal understanding of cultural repatriation
and spiritual re-acculturation Lakota style.
I am an American
Indian, rightly enough. A card carrying one for all it might mean and for
whatever purposes to which it matters. And I was adopted at one time. So be it.
None of this has ever changed the facts of what really matters. I am a human
being and I belong and so do my people. We belong to Mother Earth right here on
this the North American continent. Until next time I wish you all enough. Hau
Mitakuye Oyasin!
Part One: Reactive Attachment Disorder
Part One: Reactive Attachment Disorder
Monday, January 19, 2015
RAD: Guest Post: Levi Eagle Feather Sr.
Part Two: RAD
by Levi Eagle Feather Sr.
"as
long as he's not bleeding he's fine
its just that
there are so damn many ways to bleed
that at times he's not really sure.....
but what the fuck
he's still standing"
its just that
there are so damn many ways to bleed
that at times he's not really sure.....
but what the fuck
he's still standing"
John
Trudell
The
Western narrative sucks for a lot of people. Due mostly to the fact that the
actual living of it comes nowhere near the glory of its telling. Not even
close!
For
those of us who are descended from the original caretakers of this land the
facts of living this reality get pretty bad at times. The more we become aware
and understand why they get even worse and sometimes legendarily so!
By
default, those of us who got adopted out, we play a role in all of this. Our
role may not be living on a reservation or even living within an American
Indian community like a lot of our relatives do. But wherever we live, whatever
we have done and whatever we have achieved has been accomplished outside the
safety and comfort of our cultural heritage, our birthright. Needless to say,
in this we have had no input or choice in the matter.
This
we share in common with all other American Indians alive today. No matter the
location or condition of our social status or living situation, we are living
the consequence of that reality. We lack our cultural heritage, our birthright
and choice in the matter. In my opinion we are not better off because of it!
I have
never accepted my piece of this consequence as being a good thing for me. I
didn't then and I still don't. For me it was not only something shitty which
happened to me, but was for a long time beyond my ability to comprehend. In
real time people were allowed to fuck me over and get away with it. Without any
repercussions for them or reparation to me and it was considered to be
something good I was expected to appreciate. It sucked then and when it happens
now, it still does!
I
spent eleven years of my early years resenting this and fighting back the best
I could the best I knew how. When I was old enough and fed up with it enough I
ran. It happened and this is how I dealt with it!
Nothing
much changed on the front end of that equation. The only change has been on the
back end of it. How I choose to deal with it today. I don't run as much as I
used too.
I
realize not everyone had my kind of experience. This is a good thing. For those
of you who did I would like to think it's gotten better for you by now. Not
everyone reacted to their experience the same way that I did either. This also
I think is a good thing! I'm glad you didn't. I'm not a person who could wish a
bad experience on anyone. For those of you who had less than a stellar
experience. I would like to think you're finding your way and are doing better
now.
Regardless
of what I think or how I felt about it. I was still raised to fit in with the
Western narrative. To follow along and feed my energy and effort into the
confusion and madness of it's dominence and influence. I've never been
successfull at it though. At least not willingly and definitely not with any
grace or much finesse.
Yes, I
went to different schools and got their paper. I even went into it's military,
eventually learning some valuable skills, eventually picking up trade
experience. I've had several different kinds of jobs and occupations because of
this. I've even experienced family and belonging along the way in a variety of
places, situations and settings. But overall I never really fit, never liked it
or felt like it was me and I suffered because of this.
This
is how being westernized, affected me. I think, it affects a majority of us
American Indian folk in this way to varying degrees. I think it affects us,
mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Not always in the same ways
on the same levels or to the same degree necessarily, but I think it affects us
all. Not so that we can fit in, but so we can't resist it.
The
roots of the suck we experience are not rooted in a race, an ethnicity, a
religion, or a creed though. Nor is it rooted in the color of anyone's skin. In
my opinion it is rooted in a skewed way of thinking. A skewed way of perceiving
reality. We are taught to think this way and we learn it and adapt to it!
John
Trudell, a Dakota relative of mine, broke our malfunction down this way.
I've come to the conclusion that there are two perceptions of reality.There's a religious perception of reality and there's a spiritual perception of reality.The religious perception of reality is about guilt sin and blame and thats the trap. Thats the chain thats hold every citizen.Spiritual perception of reality,...is about the responsibility. We're all responsible. We're not guilty we're responsible.And its trying to make our way through these two perceptions of reality. That seems to be the biggest problem we're confronted with as human beings on the planet right now! Cause the religious perception is about dominence its not about responsibility its about subserviance and male authoritarian figures. And the spiritual perception of reality is about life and respect and responsibility.I think that the new world order is marching on. To me, in my own mind, it comes closer and closer to that... and is very real... that even though Germany and the Axis lost WWII. I don't think that the Nazi's did. I think that the Nazi's won WWII. And I think that thier authoritarian methods of behavioral control, mind manipulation, converting human spirit into energy so that they can feed the need for their technologies. I think all of this stuff is just moving right on down the line again.And I think that there really is no political solution or an economic solution that exists right now. And I think we need to get a clearer perception of reality and where we are in reality and take responsibility. And by using our intelligence intelligently. Create the solutions that we need to create. Because right now we're just more fuel.Somewhere under the religious perception of reality a decision was made that the earth was the dominion of man and man therefore could plunder the earth. That man could take whatever they wanted from the earth. But somewhere in the progress of this mindset man has forgotten that we are part of the earth. And just the way that this system of technologic man has devised to take the resources of the earth and turn them into fuel and energy. They've taken our spirit and they're turning it through the process, through their process of civilization. Taking our spirit and turning it into energy to run their system. We need to remember that what happens to the earth happens to us. I'm not advocating anyones politics or any of it. To me, I just think we've got to continue to do the best that we can do. And thats what I'm trying to do.1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xbjzujo1Qx8
Of
course this suck didn't happen overnight. It started long ago. Feeding off of
and compounding with violence, the fear and chaos which separation from knowing
and understanding ones place in nature causes. This skewed way of thinking and
percieving reality was well developed and deeply entrenched in the western mind
long before it reached our lands.
It
didn't take long for it to take root in our land. It's grown and morphed
becoming highly refined and firmly entrenched. It's civilized now! Just as
deadly and just as abusive, but civilized. At least in the western mind it is.
Due to
it, the destruction of our nature based cultures has become normal operating
procedure. Insulating and normalizing our grief and suffering. Each successive
generation the grief and suffering has mounted. Until our generation where loss
of belonging and tribal identity have become common place.
I look
at this part of our history as the incubating process for a collective
reattachment disorder. Individually, and as a part of a collective, we suffer
this disorder without a clear and coherent way of seeing it. Consequently, we
have no way of being able to find our way clear of it.
In
addition to this conditioned state of being. Where reactive attachment disorder
exists and has morphed becoming the foundation of nearly all our societal
interactions. We suffer too from a collective amnesia.
This
amnesia of which I speak is rooted in our loss of knowledge and understanding
of cultural heritage. A knowledge base and educational body as large and
comprehensive as all of that which we have received throughout our
westernization process. For folks like myself access to this knowledge is
critical.
A
friend of mine, Steve Smith, whose profession happens to be in the
psychological field offered his thoughts on this subject.
"Often when children are placed in abusive situations....situations where they are not cherished they bond to the anger, to the violence or some other abnormal thing (to bond to). They used to tell us that this is a permanent condition....the RAD or being bonded to abnormal things....but we are learning all the time what the elders have known....the brain is plastic (jargon for flexible) people suffering stroke or brain injury learn to use other parts of the brain to perform basic functions. Those of us exposed to living in places where we were not cherished....or even wanted can and do learn to bond normally to the healthy aspects and of course to those we love. Culture and spirituality are amazing at facilitating this kind of healing as is proper nutrition and exercise." Steve Smith via Facebook
In future segments I will offer more on this subject. It won't be for
everyone, necessarily. That is up to the reader to decide. It won't be
definitive because our cultures are not that way and never have been. For those
who are interested I can say it will be interesting, because it always is. What
is more important, however and what I would most like for people to understand.
Especially, folk like myself, American Indian folk who mistrust and hurt and
don't clearly understand why. Homogenous tribal and cultural lifestyles may be
a thing of the past, but culturally based living is not.
You
can be educated, undereducated, employed, unemployed, single, married to
another Indian, transracially married, divorced, gay or straight, it doesn't
matter. At the core of who we are, tribally, non-tribally, fullblood, halfbreed
or fingernail is the reality of human beings being human. Our ancestral ways
our ancestral cultural ways were the roadmaps the methods and the systems that
taught us this. They educated, guided and showed us the why's, what's and
wherefore's of how to live. So that we would belong, be connected and know and
understand our place and our relationships to all that is. So until next time
brothers and sisters stay classy and don't sweat the small stuff! Hau Mitakuye Oyasin!
Thursday, August 14, 2014
GUEST POST: Reactive Attachment Disorder by Levi Eagle Feather
![]() |
| Levi Eagle Feather (Lakota) |
"...We're the evidence of the crime. They can't deal with the reality of who we are because then they have to deal with the reality of what they have done. If they deal with the reality of who we are, they have to deal with the reality of who they aren't." - John Trudell
This is the first in a series
about Reactive Attachment Disorder
By Levi EagleFeather
Reactive attachment disorder, what is
it? Well... mine, is a sub-conscious and conscious reaction to the dark art [1] that has been practiced against my people, the Lakota, for the
past two hundred years or more. The adoption experience is the specific part of
that art which hit me.
Overall, everything has worked out
quite well for it. In harmony with a multitude of other programs, projects,
acts and policies our lives collectively have been totally altered and we now
have to live with the confusion of that change. Needless to say, the affects of
it all have been quite traumatic for a lot of people.
Many times, emotionally, mentally and
spiritually we become lost and tired within the hubbub of it all. What else can
we do but feel lost. As far as adoption goes the whole basic, being separated
from the herd to which you belong thingy. Something which we all have
experienced is pretty much the icing on the cake of it all. It not only
disrupted our natural experience of familial roots and belonging which is the
core of our birthright, but it screwed with everyone else's experience as well.
It removed all of us at the same time from that first belonging which showed us
and told us to whom and how it is that we belong. It's been very hard for me to
square myself with that even to this day!
While the boarding school process and
the relocation process do basically the same thing that the adoption process
does as far as removing one from the herd. The adoption process intentionally
is a more permanent barrier between you and your roots. When it is all said and
done the adoption process literally redirects completely the whole flow of your
life and for everyone involved. Redirected it from the original stream that was
familiar and which flowed naturally to one that is not only unfamiliar, but to
which your original flow must now undergo a lot of shaping and altering. People
sense and understand this is happening while it is happening. We sense it and
feel it emotionally and we develop memories of it.
The Mayo clinic has attempted to define Reactive Attachment Disorder. Under diseases and conditions it says that: "Reactive attachment disorder is a rare but serious condition in which an infant or young child doesn't establish healthy attachments with parents or caregivers. Reactive attachment disorder may develop if the child's basic needs for comfort, affection and nurturing aren't met and loving, caring, stable attachments with others are not established. " [2]
I think there are probably a lot of
people like myself. That sub-consciously and even consciously realized as it
was happening that they weren't experiencing emotional stability. Where ever it
was that they got left.
Knowing that belonging isn't there is easy to
understand. It also is easy to understand why someone might be skeptical about
wanting to have anything to do with who and what they are being redirected to.
And it doesn't have anything to do with any wow factor or how cool something
might be either.
Naturally, situations like this will affect ones behavior. The
Mayo clinic says that some of the signs and symptoms of someone experiencing a
RAD condition may include:
·
Withdrawal, fear, sadness or
irritability that is not readily explained
·
Sad and listless appearance
·
Not seeking comfort or showing
no response when comfort is given
·
Failure to smile
·
Watching others closely but not
engaging in social interaction
·
Failing to ask for support or
assistance
·
Failure to reach out when
picked up
·
No interest in playing peekaboo
or other interactive games [3]
I
was four when this all began for me. Since that time not much in my life has
been acceptable to me. In a "feeling about it" kind of way. Something
is always missing or just not quite right!
The Mayo says that:
To feel safe and develop trust, infants and young children need a stable, caring environment. Their basic emotional and physical needs must be consistently met. For instance, when a baby cries, his or her need for a meal or a diaper change must be met with a shared emotional exchange that may include eye contact, smiling and caressing.A child whose needs are ignored or met with a lack of emotional response from caregivers does not come to expect care or comfort or form a stable attachment to caregivers.[4]
In
my situation, whatever was to pass for loving and caring after I was removed
from my family came from something else entirely different. Both, the attempts
at affection and caring, were like gifts that were to be conditionally given
based on performance, mine. Their conditions were based on and guided by the
authoritarian principals of their church mostly and were backed up by what
little understanding they had of my history along with what little they had of
their own. This instead of any feeling that I belonged, or was truly wanted.
And I knew this and lived with it every second of the eleven plus years I was
there. People say that actions speak louder than words. Most of the time this
is true, in this situation, my situation, it was.
Naturally, I reacted! From the original
crying to whatever I brought with me that was me. Emotional, mental and or
physical from that day forward was not acceptable and had to be shaped and
molded. It goes from the first haircut to change the wild Indian, and on and
on. There was a lot of punitive discipline along the way and not just corporal
punishment but the good old fashioned psychological stuff.
As I grew older the corporal punishment
thing in fact became sort of like part of a sick game we had to play. It
physically hurt sure, at first. But as I grew older it seemed to hurt less and
the fear I had of it morphed into something weird for me. It turned into more
of "a bring it and fuck you" kind of thing. I remember I was around
ten or eleven. Somewhere in there. And I was tied to the telephone pole in our
yard with my pants around my ankles. My siblings all lined up in one of the
flower beds against the house watching the old man beat me with a bullwhip. I
don't remember clearly what it was all about or why I was there. Whether I
deserved it or not. What I do remember was looking back over my shoulder and
telling him "Fuck you, someday your going to get yours!" I'm sure
that that beating hurt physically. It had to have. But what hurt me more hurt
me inside. The embarrassment of being in front of my siblings probably the
most.
So in my mind it was the psychological
stuff which screwed with my wanting to belong the most. The blaming, shaming
and shunning would work in time. Not like it was intended maybe, but it worked.
It told me that I was unacceptable and that life for me and everything in it
was unacceptable as well.
In fairness, I'm sure that I was a
fistful right from the beginning. I was a kid! What did I know about life and
living. That doesn't account for what happened to me or how it happened, or
make it right! In digging through and unraveling the negative effects all of
this has had on me mentally and learning to understand and grow out of the
emotional instability it instilled in me is part of that being right. I
couldn't dream to wish this kind of right on even the best of my enemies! So
throughout my experience I never got to any place in it where I felt
comfortable enough inside to trust emotionally. Let alone want to belong! My
belonging had ceased for all intents and purposes when I was taken and until my
children were born I was alone even in a crowd.
[Levi is a contributor to the new anthology CALLED HOME. His essay The Holocaust Self is one of the most profound in the book! ...Trace/Lara]
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You are not alone
To Veronica Brown
Veronica, we adult adoptees are thinking of you today and every day. We will be here when you need us. Your journey in the adopted life has begun, nothing can revoke that now, the damage cannot be undone. Be courageous, you have what no adoptee before you has had; a strong group of adult adoptees who know your story, who are behind you and will always be so.
Diane Tells His Name
We conclude this series & continue the conversation by naming that adoption is genocide. This naming refers to the process of genocide that breaks kinship ties through adoption & other forms of family separation & policing 🧵#NAAM2022 #AdoptionIsTraumaAND #AdopteeTwitter #FFY 1/6 pic.twitter.com/46v0mWISZ1
— Adoptee Futures CIC (@AdopteeFutures) November 29, 2022
ADOPTION TRUTH
As the single largest unregulated industry in the United States, adoption is viewed as a benevolent action that results in the formation of “forever families.”
The truth is that it is a very lucrative business with a known sales pitch. With profits last estimated at over $1.44 billion dollars a year, mothers who consider adoption for their babies need to be very aware that all of this promotion clouds the facts and only though independent research can they get an accurate account of what life might be like for both them and their child after signing the adoption paperwork.
The truth is that it is a very lucrative business with a known sales pitch. With profits last estimated at over $1.44 billion dollars a year, mothers who consider adoption for their babies need to be very aware that all of this promotion clouds the facts and only though independent research can they get an accurate account of what life might be like for both them and their child after signing the adoption paperwork.




