Pandora's Box: Opening an adoption & the stages of search

REBLOG from 2011

By Trace Hentz, blog editor
 

Opening an adoption is just like opening Pandora’s Box. You just never know who - or what – will fly out at you.

I think back to my inner battles years ago. There were many stages I went through:

• I almost stop when I hear I was "saved" from being an orphan - so that should be the reason I never search. I don't know it will take years to find my parents.
• I almost stop when I hear adoptions were done legally yet it's illegal for me to search. Wisconsin was a closed record state. Now the state will contact your parents to get their consent to let you know who you are.
• I almost stop when I think my mother had problems so she had to give me up. I get scared of why she did it. I get scared she might not want to meet me (and in fact, she didn't).
• I almost stop when I do not hear back from the ALMA registry in New York. Apparently no one is looking for me.
• I almost stop out of guilt. I feel guilty because my parents were so generous to raise me, since I was an orphan. They didn't have to adopt me but they did! (But can they imagine what it feels like being adopted? No. Can I talk to them about searching? No.) I love them for adopting me.
• I almost stop when friends tell me to get over it and move on with my life. "Forget about her." Adoptees know this game. "Don’t talk about it. Shut up. Stop whining. You were lucky to be chosen."  Really? I didn’t feel lucky. I felt hurt, betrayed and rejected.
• I almost stop when I read the letter from my natural mother, saying she doesn't want anyone to know about me. She's worried what people will think.

Back then it was like I was wedged between helpless and hopeless. I was doing this search for me and my own sanity. Plus it was impossible to search without names. And what was I being saved from? I should be grateful that I lost my natural parents?

I moved past all that and found my natural mother, and then my father.

Having a reunion with my dad was the hardest thing I ever did and the best thing I ever did. It was not what I expected, that's for sure.

Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine how meeting him (and his kids) would change me as a person. I was almost 40 when we met. There was no one to advise me on what to do, or what to say, or what to expect having a reunion.

First things first.  My birthdad Earl Bland wanted a DNA test to be sure I was his.  I wanted to know that, too.  This all happened back in 1996 and I traveled from Oregon to meet him in Illinois. (I paid for my plane ticket and $500 for the DNA lab with help from my ex-husband).

My dad and I got the results (by mail) a little over a month later. Earl was indeed my dad but I never saw him again.

I write about my reunion with Earl and our time together in my memoir "One Small Sacrifice." I looked for him for years and only met him once. How does the adoption industry justify keeping us apart for years with secrecy and laws, then my dad dies shortly after we meet.

All I can say is I wish everyone who is adopted gets the chance to meet their natural parents. Even if it is only once. Even if it is only one parent. It is a spiritual awakening.

Since I read so much about the adoption industry, I was wondering when an adoptee's emotional well being and health would be mentioned and considered? 

 Apparently, this is not an issue, and not a concern of the adoption industry. It's about protecting the adoptive parents. Secrecy and sealed records is part of their sales pitch. It's not about the adoptee but the adopter. The mood, anxiety, thrill and angst of our adopters is what we hear growing up adopted - and we learn to be appreciative, silent and grateful. We mourn in silence.

Every adoptee I know wraps their mind around this. It's simply ridiculous to be denied the chance to know and meet our natural parents. There should be people and laws helping us, the natural parents and the adult adoptee. We all need to understand the family dynamics to have meaningful reunions, and know what to expect.

Sadly, this is not happening. Not yet.

((1-22-2011))

DNA tests: Finding the Truth and your Family

Finding the truth and family is what we adoptees live for, right?

I have wanted to write about DNA tests for quite some time, since it concerns Lost Children/American Indian adoptees who may find themselves in the snarky position of having to prove their blood while in reunion with tribal family - often years after the adoption.

Why years? It takes time and money (and lawyers sometimes) to open sealed adoption files.

How do you prove you are? DNA - it's absolute, it's blood and tests results can't be disputed.

I have a close American Indian friend who just did the DNA test with her mother's brother and indeed, she is related to her mother's family and her mother's tribe in Minnesota  - no question, it's absolutely true.

Why was this so important to do? Since her mother had already died, my friend had found her siblings.  It was her mother's children who doubted who she was.

Yes, that hurts. It really really hurts.  After all you have endured being separated from them, then you find your own brothers and sisters question your legitimacy.  Her siblings were raised by their mother, and their mother had told them they had a sister out there lost to adoption.

Yet these siblings could not and do not comprehend what my friend lived through or felt. My friend's siblings lacked compassion for her and her loss; they had their mother their whole life and now my friend would never meet her own mother since she had already died.

These are the snarky scenarios of adoption reunions and we have to know about them. It can be complicated and DNA can be costly! You never know what you will face until you get into your reunions.

What I also want to mention is my friend had no problem with her natural dad's family when she found them and their tribe. Her father's side had no doubt who she was or is...  So there are big differences in families and tribes - definitely.

In finding the truth, the painful part of reunion in Indian Country might be your own brothers and sisters who throw you a curve and demand proof of who you say you are...!

I warn adoptees - be prepared for all these scenarios.

Another friend Rhonda, who I mention in my memoir One Small Sacrifice, had to do DNA with her uncle because her father had already passed on by the time she could open her adoption in Michigan. Rhonda met both her father and mother's sides of the family and had a good reunion with her brothers, her mom's sons. DNA was required for her to be enrolled with her father's tribe.

For me, I did DNA with my natural father Earl back in 1994 - that seems like a lifetime ago. It was so expensive - around $500!

I saved the test results and the polaroid photo they took of Earl and me like it was the greatest gift anyone ever gave me.  We needed to do DNA because neither of us was sure. And indeed, 99.9% DNA positive, Earl was definitely my dad.

If you need to have a DNA test, contact me. Others on Facebook are making recommendations I can share with you... I had mine done at a lab in Springfield, Illinois.

Be well and be strong in search and reunion....I am here if you need to talk... Trace

"Dad" Reunions ( and what I learned about REUNION meeting my dad)

Maryland father finds his son after 35 years: After many false starts, DNA test leads to reunion http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/maryland/bs-md-adoption-search-ryba-20110619,0,1793711.story

Father, daughter, find each other, in life and song
http://www.ajc.com/lifestyle/father-daughter-find-each-982010.html?cxtype=rss_news_128746





There is great truth and importance in these stories, dispelling myths how reunions between adoptee and first parents won't work...  I have my own reunion story with my dad Earl Bland in my memoir "One Small Sacrifice." I met my dad in 1996.

This is what I learned about REUNION:

• After our first phone call, I wrote my dad a letter and explained what I knew about my adoption and gave details, like my date of birth, where I was born and what I knew from my adoption file. It gave him and his family time to process and adjust to my showing up in their life.
• We made plans to see each other - later we'd talk on the phone, just the two of us. (Repeat after me: "We can't start over. We start here and now.") My dad and I began our lives together when we reunited in person for the first time.
• Plan to meet. Schedule DNA tests if there is any doubt about paternity. Not sure at first, our DNA test said Earl and I were a 99.9% match. Hooray!
• Expect to feel very overwhelmed at first. Reunion is not about rivalry but if you have siblings, expect their surprise (and maybe some jealousy, too). Avoid controversy and meet one-on-one, just you and your parent first. Later spend quality time with the entire first family (your siblings, their kids, your kids and all the relatives.) Don't rush into this one but take lots of pictures! Meet your siblings one at a time, too. It takes time and energy to get to know one another.
• Watch your expectations, adoptees. Earl and I knew there was no way to go back to reverse the past or fix it. He did not apologize nor I didn't expect him to... My dad didn't ask me about my life or what I experienced being adopted. This might happen in your reunion, too. Plan your future together as time, money and distance will allow. Each and every reunion is unique. Share your story if and when you are asked.
• Listen and be patient: that is what I did.  I had no idea how my dad spent his life but I knew it was going to take time to hear his story. I took copious notes!  My siblings and relatives shared much more than my dad and gave me tons of genealogy.
• I knew my dad had no clue how hurt I was being adopted.  That was the truth for me. (Again, don't expect an apology.) I never expected he would fix my brokeness but hearing his voice the first time healed me in so many ways.  The fog I'd walked in started to disappear. Old illusions vanished. My grieving faded.
• Depending on your adoptive family, only you the adoptee can determine if they can handle any news of your reunions.  I know just one adoptee who connected his mothers - now they are friends.  That takes some very strong loving women (and men) to make this happen. Many adoptees did share their reunion stories and it abruptly ended their relationship with the adoptive parents. Be sensitive and don't share details if they don't want to hear them. Many adoptive parents do not realize the importance of reunions in an adoptees life. It is up to the adoptee how to procceed and if you share the news. The risk of rejection by your adoptive family is a whole new chapter to reunion.
• Last but not least, get counselling if you need to and early.  Spouses and friends may not be able to help you process all this. Go slow and be gentle with yourself but try and proceed with the reunion - since noone knows how much time you'll have to reconnect in this life.  In my reunion, I had a little over a year before Earl died. We made the best of our time. I knew he was very sick when we first met. Earl and I spoke often and I wrote letters and cards. When Earl became very ill and was hospitalized, I was updated by my family constantly. Sadly, I only met Earl once but I did attend his funeral and was listed as his daughter in his obituary.

Closed adoption advocates want us to believe secrecy is best and privacy was promised. That was not true in my experience at all. Yes, my mother Helen did not want to meet me but that was her choice, and I respected that. But ADOPTEES have TWO PARENTS. If one reunion fails, there is still hope we can meet someone else in our first family. It may be relatives - aunts, uncles or siblings. Never give up hope or your search! First, we have to permanently end closed adoptions - they do not serve the adoptee or their emotional and spiritual well-being. We must unseal adoption records and shine the light on the truth. We must demand Unconditional Access - so birthparents cannot withhold your original birth certificate or your adoption records.
I pray for each adoptee and natural parent to have a good reunion. There is good medicine and healing waiting for all of you.