The LIFE OF VON blog: This entry was posted on February 23, 2017, in adoptees, adopters, adoption, Food for Thought, Uncategorized and tagged adoptees, adopters, adoption, childhood, goodlife, orphan savers, stigma.
“When Problems Become Too Complex, We Long For Simple Solutions, Even if They Are Wrong.”
As
our world becomes more complex and problems become more difficult to
solve, we turn to simple solutions that give our psyches comfort. How do
we deal with poverty, over-population, global climate change, endless
wars? It’s difficult to figure out what to do.
We are all drawn to
someone who seems to know the answer. “ISIS? Trust me, I’ll eliminate
them in short order,” says Mr. Trump. Too many people in the world and
an economic system that keeps people in poverty? “Don’t worry, I’ll
build a wall to keep illegal immigrants out,” says Mr. Trump, “and I’ll
get Mexico to pay for it.” – Dr Jed Diamond http://menalive.com/the-real-reason-donald-trump-will-be-our-next-president/#more-3797 *May 2016: JED'S WEBSITE: https://menalive.com/about/ [Mr. Trump Seems to Have Suffered Abuse, Neglect, and Abandonment as a Child. Many of Us Resonate with His Rage.]**
And so we dumb-down, over-simplify, remove the complexity at all cost
and create a world where we don’t have to teach children to cope with
their emotions, reactions, confusions, difficulties, dilemmas and they
grow up not able to make decisions, solve problems or live
independently.
Universities and college campuses were once places for
rich learning, transitioning into adult life, enthusiastic debate, the
forming of principles, the development of a set of ethics and the tools
which would last us through life. They were once a place to test the
water, to be free of parental scrutiny and ideals where the young leaned
to live independently, to make ‘mistakes’, to try our new lifestyles,
to try on political concepts, to cast of the limitations of childhood
and the rules of home.
Today it seems parents follow, hovering,
observing and ready at a moment’s notice to intervene, rescue, defend
and prevent the learning that could be happening. Of course they do it
for the ‘best’ of reasons, they love their children and are keen to
protect them from harm, influences they don’t approve of and ideas they
don’t agree with. In being so involved they take away the young person’s
opportunities to learn ,discover and develop. Surely when we have
children the aim is to eventually produce self-sufficient, independent,
responsible, caring adults.
An old friend, who birthed three girls, used
to say that her aim for childhood was to raise children who could think
for themselves and clean their own ears! Later it was that they should
be completely self-reliant and not need her, although of course she
hoped love would survive the rigours of growing up and affection would
be present.
If we try to raise children to be our friends, our
companions, our saviours and our carers we are surely doing them a grave
disservice, stilting their growth and tying them to us in an unhealthy,
unproductive way.
It takes dedication to teach children to look after themselves, to be
safe, to make good decisions, to have wisdom and compassion, to act
ethically, to be honourable, fair and self- sufficient. It requires
commitment, time, patience and a degree of maturity, self-knowledge and
awareness, plus a sense of humour and the ability to laugh heartily at
ourselves.
We must never forget that whatever we do we are modelling for
our children. What we do they will do. What we say they will say. What
we believe they will believe. That is a huge responsibility.
If you
raise the children of others, you have additional responsibilities to
ensure you are the best parent possible, to give them the best life
possible but firstly to ensure that there was really no other option for
them but adoption. You need to have a clear conscience, to have done
your research adequately because you will be answerable for the rest of
your life to the child you made an adoptee.
In addition you need to be
fully cognisant of the things adoptees may bring with them into the
adopted life – grief, loss, trauma, stigma, damage, PTSD, the
deprivation from loss of language, culture, food, family, motherland.
You need to be familiar with the stages of the adopted life and what to
do to assist if necessary. You need to know when to step back, how to
deal with your fears, disappointments, inabilities,
inadequacies,frustrations, denials and preconceived ideas. You will need
a sense of humour, patience, a strong sense of self, endurance,
support, the ability to change your mind and ideas and to cope with
feeling threatened by the unknown, the uncertain and the unresolved. You
will need to prepare yourself as best you can and know that no amount
of preparation will ever be enough to deal with the reality of adoption. It has a way of taking by surprise, shocking, astounding, engulfing,
overwhelming, numbing, enriching and surprising!
BACKGROUND: VON's BLOG (an adoptee blogger who lived in Australia)
Von writes: Years ago I first blogged at Blogger, until my account was closed down
by the FBI!! Whoddathunk? Such far-reaching tentacles! A supporter of
Reece’s Rainbow got the wrong end of the stick, attributed a comment or
two to me, the least likely to make adverse remarks about people with
DS, and before I knew it, I was besieged with comments from supporters
with all sorts of suggestions, threats and ideas. One of those threats
was carried out and my blog became inoperable. Fortunately, I had taken
precautionary measures some months before, in expectation of such an
event. In Blogland, when your topic is adoption, you can never be free
of trolls, extremists, zealots, fundamentalists, missionaries, the
blinkered and the closed-minded. There are always those non-adoptees
more than happy to tell an adoptee how to live, where to live and what
to do.
It is a great comfort to know we are not alone and that other adoptees
understand and share our experience. One of my half-sisters when asked
how she felt about discovering me, told everyone she found it
‘hilarious’. Somehow didn’t feel that way to me!
**Ongoing studies reported by the National Centers for Disease Control (
Adverse Childhood Experiences—ACE—Studies)
demonstrate that childhood abuse, neglect, and abandonment are more
common than most of us think and impact our adult health and
relationships. Abused children often hook up with each other as adults
(It’s our subconscious attempt to heal old wounds).
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