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Friday, November 12, 2010

I see dead people

Well, actually I do not see dead people but I know people who are living like they are dead.
Ok, imagine this. You are a child and you disappear. Not only are you upset, your entire family is crazy with despair and your parents are distraught. They might go on television and beg the people who took you to please bring you back. Your mom and dad might even divorce since they cannot forget you and they can’t seem to heal since you are missing.
You (the child) on the other hand, might be too young to fight back, or even try and escape. But you want to.
That is child abduction and we all take this seriously in American and all over the world.
Now, change the word child to adoptee.
This life changing event: “adoption” does change you and your parents. American and the world do not think of adoption as abduction but I do. Why? It feels the same to the child. And to some mothers, it feels exactly like your child was abducted.
The trauma of being abducted or adopted is the same for the child. You are feeling you are not where you are supposed to be. Let’s not get into the medical terms but those words do exist in medical journals.
So, I ask you, when will people who adopt children begin to understand that adoptees have feelings they cannot describe or display? Some adopters I know have taken this very personally and have tried to make the child feel better and assure them they will meet their natural parents someday. I have friends who have adopted and some are remarkable in their sensitivity. Some of them advocate for open adoption, so their adopted child meets their parent on a regular basis, if at all possible.
So, if you are adoptive parents and reading this, I need you to do something TODAY. Forget that there are laws preventing disclosure when it’s a sealed adoption. I want you to request the adoption file – the legal proceedings. All of it! You signed the documents so you can request them.
OK, you did it. When your adopted child asks, I want you to tell them you have the name of their natural mother and that you will help her/him find their natural parent(s) when they turn 18. It depends on the child and when they ask. If they don’t ask, I want you to give them the file when they are 18 as a gift.
That is why I see dead people. If you are a mystery, it feels like you’re dead.

1 comment:

  1. I really FEEL what you are saying.

    When I hear those abduction stories about the victim that "becomes connected" in a relationship with the abductors, it is so sad about the loss of his/her relationship with the first family...

    Perhaps being connected to the abductors is "easier" than remaining the victim. Maybe the trauma of abduction severs all sense of what "connection" means and the victim "floats" through life and gets by....

    Relating this back to adoption -- the abduction metaphor works.

    Thank you for writing.


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where were you adopted?

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To Veronica Brown

Veronica, we adult adoptees are thinking of you today and every day. We will be here when you need us. Your journey in the adopted life has begun, nothing can revoke that now, the damage cannot be undone. Be courageous, you have what no adoptee before you has had; a strong group of adult adoptees who know your story, who are behind you and will always be so.