excerpt:
Has being adopted impacted your romantic relationships and
friendships? My fear of abandonment often propels me to test the
devotion of romantic partners. In friendships, I'm cagey. (I know
everything about them; they know very little about me.)
Yes,
most definitely! It took me until I was 43 years old to come to a better
understanding of why I continued to make the same cycle of choices.
Three years ago, I took part in a ten-week program with a counselor
about attachment and bonding. My eyes were quickly opened to understand
how a broken mother/child bond can affect the way adoptees relate with
people and the way we react to circumstances that present themselves on a
daily basis. Prior to counseling, I was always adamant that adoption
had no effect on my life because I had a loving upbringing. Certainly,
the fact that I was raised in a nurturing family went a long way in
helping me form bonds and provide stability. However, I learned that a
child's sense of loss and fear of abandonment remains with them
(consciously and subconsciously) throughout their life. It can permeate
their interactions and relationships well into their adult life.
In
my friendships, I have a strong tendency to keep discussions on a
surface level. I rarely ask personal questions or challenge beliefs for
fear that I might be rejected or hurt their feelings. Surface is easy,
stable, and safe. Safety and stability are key for me, which is why my
past choices in life have often followed a more conservative path.
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